The Joy of Getting In The Dress
It was 2005 I was getting married in a size ten dress, as alluded to before I bought said size ten dress whilst still more than a few dress sizes above that.....
The sales girl could barely disguise her horror as she held the dress in place.
But I knew.
I knew I'd get in that goddamn dress.
The pride I felt was unsurmountable.
Being a size ten had become an obsession for me, it had, in my mind become the pinnacle of success once I was a size ten life would be perfect.
After all I had spent pretty much all my conscious life being told size ten equals perfect.
The Barbie's I played with, the t.v shows, films I watched, in magazines, newspapers etc etc the list goes on.
The truth of my being a size ten?
Looking like a deflated balloon when naked.
Yes I looked, even though I do say so myself, amazing on my wedding day in my size ten dress but instead of getting to that size slowly and naturally as Barbara had told us was the only way to do it the last few months I pushed myself and my body into losing weight quickly hence the effect on my body.
The truth was that I looked better in my bikini when I was bigger, at a size ten my belly hung in folds of skin and my boobs weren't much better.
That was when I realised that the 'perfect size ten' didn't exist.
Its just a number.
A number that is sold to us by the media, and the diet industry as being the be all and end all.
We are sold the lie that the size of our clothes is key to success, that being a size ten or under means we are happy, healthy, in control.
For many the opposite is true.
The persuit of being the 'perfect size' causes misery, dissatisfaction and self loathing for millions of women.
For me it meant I spent so long blaming my size for my problems, that I never actually addressed what was making me overeat in the first place.
This is what the diet industry depends on, this is why once we've lost weight through dieting, denying ourselves the Joy Of Eating, spent every waking hour thinking of food, most dieters will regain the weight and more sending us scuttling back to a diet club, resorting to pills that keep us awake all night.
I didn't stay a size ten for very long.
One of the effects of losing the weight was it aided my fertility.
We had been trying for a second child for over a year and it was beginning to scare me.
I suffer from endometriosis and so was convinced it was never going to happen again.
Lo and behold, a honeymoon baby!
And so I watched the body I had spent so much time and effort creating once again get bigger.
I didn't care a jot.
Life was good.
Yet still an undercurrent of sadness ran deep.
If it wasn't being fat or having problems with fertility that was making me sad what on earth could it be?
Why couldn't I be happy when I had everything I ever wanted?
Next post, identifying the reasons for the sadness and how I dealt with it.
Reason to be joyful, getting in this dress.